Sent to you by D via Google Reader:
via "Les Confessions" by dante.fs@gmail.com on 01/01/06
My New Years Eve was quite fun. It isn't worth dedicating a lot of space to but I attended Slimelight with my house mates & one other who had travelled down from York for the ocassion. The night was actually fairly typical (albeit much busier, and longer since we started at 10pm) and involved the usual activities one associates with a planned mash up. That is, I have inflicted what I can only presume is a heroic amount of damage upon my vital organs, destroyed what sleep patterns I once had and generally aged my body at least 5 calendar years. Still, it was fun. Most people I was with seemed to enjoy themselves and the night passed without (negative) incident. Admittedly at one point in the night I thought I might be embroiled in some sort of domestic dispute with some people I barely knew but fortunately just as I was considering if this would develop towards violence blood stopped flowing to my extremities and I couldn't stand up. Crisis averted. Oh yes, and then there was some (fairly attractive) girl who asked to have my cup at Angel tube station so she could piss into it.
Old Resolutions
Looking back, I appear to have made 6 resolutions last year. They were :
1. Become a subscriber to at least one publication.
2. Buy a laptop.
3. Eliminate Credit Card debt.
4. Learn to drive.
5. Travel to at least two countries outside the UK.
6. Be more productive. Write more stuff.
Rather pathetically, I only succeeded in one of these (I own a laptop now) - a 16% success rate. Rather rubbish I'm sure you'll agree. Still, as I was advised in some management training program failing is not necessarily a problem - lack of failure could simply mean your targets weren't ambitious enough.
In this case I think it's safe to say this wasn't the case - despite the fact one of my resolutions was to "subscribe to one publication" which would have cost me about £30 in some quarters. HOW THE FUCK DID I FAIL THAT?
The others are slightly less surprising. Four is not really on the agenda any more (due to a change of focus in my career), five proved too ambitious due to housing situations and 3, well let's just say that wasn't very likely in retrospect.
In fact, my third resolution is probably my most amusing, in terms of results. Instead of eliminating credit card debt (I think the lowest point it go to was about £900) I have somehow pushed my total card borrowing to £4250. Obviously this is on top of the other debts (loans, overdrafts and the like). So I've not just failed, I've failed spectacularly. What I don't quite understand is why I'm even bothering to try and pay them back anymore. Still, enough of that.
Number six is quite interesting in that it depends on how you define these things. I think quite honestly I have been more productive work wise in 2005 than in 2004, but my blogging rate has decreased quite markedly, as has my contribution to other personal projects. Still, I said "write more stuff". Clearly my total written output (on all forums, blogs, essays, etc) for my entire life is higher on 1st January 2006 than it was on the 1st January 2005. However, I'd say a fairer reading of "write more stuff" might imply that I intended to accelerate my output.
Perhaps more pressingly you have to wonder about the psychology of man who tries to get out of his New Year resolutions via technicalities. So I think we've got to count that one as a miserable failure too.
Anyway, the problem with resolutions (aside from their inherent shitness) is in retrospect there were other things, much more important things, that belong on that list. But I wasn't necessarily aware of this at the time.
So for instance, the most pressing issue in 2005 became quite quickly that of housing. To summarise the Great Housing Saga of 2005 it went roughly like this :
- A, B, C & D all live together in 4 bedroom house in SE27.
- A, B, C & D give notice to end their tenancy. They decide to stick together in any new housing plan.
- E & F announce their intention to join the housing plan, meaning A to F are now seeking a 6 bedroom house. A range of housing preconditions are agreed upon informally (type of dwelling sought, size of rooms, price range, etc).
- A to F look for houses in SE27, SW17, SW9, NW5, N1, WC1, E1, BR2 and many other locations. This places everyone under a relatively high degree of stress.
- A to F tentatively agree on a house in SW17. References are sought, a deposit is placed, guarantor is sought and found, a preliminary timetable is put in place for moving. Everyone seems reasonably happy.
- SW17 house offer falls apart at the last minute due to unreasonable behaviour on behalf of the landlord. Please note this was _after_ all parties had raised the desired monies (in cash) for deposit.
- There is a disagreement on how to proceed at this point, a possible plan for cutting the size of desired dwelling is rejected out of hand.
- In the meantime, A, B, C & D have had to move out of dwelling in SE27 into separate temporary accommodation. I for one had to accept the charity of relatives and stayed in CR1.
- More dwellings are inspected, with another property in SW17 looking hopeful.
- Pressure builds (and eventually strains) group dynamics so F drops out of housing plan altogether. A to E regroup and attempt to look for 5 bedroom dwellings.
- Property is located in SE5 which is agreed upon by all parties (well, sort of). Deposit is placed, more references are sought, more guarantors are needed, paper work is finalised.
- We move in.
- Of A, B, C, D & E, A decides to move out to be with her boyfriend A1. A is then to be replaced by old friend of ours - G, who has recently split with his girlfriend - (G1) - after receiving advice from many, perhaps most importantly A for whom he had some considerable feelings.
All I _can_ say with any certainty is I am very happy with the living arrangements I currently find myself in. So that was definitely good, and if I can retrospectively change my 2005 resolutions then I would insert this end as something that needed to be achieved, and by far the most important of them.
Still, such disruption did not come without it's costs. At least one good friendship within my social group was damaged and financially the whole saga proved staggeringly costly. Once you add up the cost of additional emergency borrowing (for at least one deposit which proved to be unnecessary) and the general uncertainty provoked by all of this I can say at a conservative estimate that I am £4000 poorer for the above nonsense. Much of this was my own stupidity of course, and it is all too easy (yet erroneous) to place the blame on external factors when one's character cannot bear the weight of unexpected stresses.
The point is that it not only altered what my priorities were, it altered the realistic range of options I had for the rest of the year. In the end it was unrealistic in the extreme to suppose I should (or could) travel abroad without making other fairly drastic alterations to my lifestyle. In the end the furthest I got wasn't Las Vegas but Edinburgh and my secondary destination was Reading not Russia. Still, I had fun which I suppose is the point.
I mention all of the housing saga again because it (a) dominated the events of at least 3 months of 2005 and (b) amply proves a good example of the bankruptcy of the "resolution" model.
Still, I am not one to shy away from bankruptcy (either fiscal, ethical or creative) so onto this years, with the disclaimer that in essence : shit can happen, and in such an event, all bets are off.
1. Do my dissertation and obtain MSc.
Quite simple really. I just need to do one essay, albeit one of 12,000 words.
To put the exercise into some sort of context, this entry is already 1200+ words (and counting) and has only taken me about an hour. Given than I have NINE MONTHS to do a piece of work ten times longer this should not be too hard.
Still, I have no doubt I shall spaz the whole thing up somehow.
2. Learn how to swallow a tablet
It seems an elemental truth that it is the little things that make up life. If your shoes are mildly uncomfortable then your day-to-day life can be mildly annoying irrespective of any long term grandiose plans for world domination one may have fermenting elsewhere.
And so my second resolution is quite simple. At present, I cannot swallow a tablet whole almost irrespective of the size. A simple aspirin tablet is approximately perhaps 8-10mm's in diameter yet I still have to effectively "chew" it in order to swallow. Vitamin pills, dietary supplements or other substances follow the same pattern, although obviously the size can vary wildly.
My inability to perform such a simple action is obviously psychological at root yet has never really proved to be much of a problem. In the past I have tended to avoid pain killers and other pills can often be obtain in effervescent form (usually with a price premium). This in recent months has become increasingly annoying. I bought some St John's Wort recently, and they are pretty disgusting if you chew them yet I have no easy alternative.
So yeah, quite simply I am going to try to learn how to swallow a tablet. A quick google a few months ago gave a few guides on how you could start such a training regime and I feel confident I am up to the task in a 12 month period. Admittedly these guides were aimed at children of approximately 3 years of age but I will not let that stop me.
3. Pay off one of my loans
Have I learned nothing from last year? Well, yes and no. Unlike my credit card debts (which seem to escalate beyond control on a daily basis) my loans are coming down every month. Not because of any sort of financial prudence on my behalf - it is simply how they operate. Every single month, as soon as I am paid I have £360 deducted from my account. This is divided to two loans I have. Therefore, the balance of each loan is reduced each month.
One of the loans is not due to be repaid until 2009. The other is due to be repaid in the early part of 2007. My third goal is simply to repay this loan early and try to close the account down by the end of 2006. I have not worked out how much financial commitment this amounts too but my rough calculations would seem to indicate that it's not too much.
Once this loan is repaid, I will (in effect) receive a £156 pay rise per month. Which is not to be sneezed at. However, since there are at least four or five current actions being taken against me in the County Court it may be that my salary is automatically garnished and such a plan proves impossible. But I hope not.
4. Get a pay rise
This is cheating somewhat since I get a pay rise automatically due to inflation. However, I wish to seek a rise above and beyond this, perhaps trying to get an extra grand or so. In the longer term I am looking for a promotion within my organisation, so I am willing to play the long-term game here.
I also have to realise I work for a non-profit organisation, and perhaps more pertinently an organisation with a relatively fixed revenue (well, sort of). As such, it is not likely I will be offered staggering pay rises any time soon.
5. Improve Health
I originally, when replying on another forum on this topic, had two goals : one to run more and one to take less drugs. I was unsatisfied with either of these choices since they are beside the point - I am looking for ends, not necessarily means. OK, we can go all Nichomachean Ethics on this and then say we're looking for some sort of "meta-end" of happiness and then just have one resolution ("to be happy"). But that isn't helpful either.
The point is, I have no real desire to run in and of itself. I quite like running at times, especially when the weather is better, and it can lead quite quickly to a marked improvement in general fitness. But that is the point : I want the result, not fix myself down to a specific path. I don't care if I achieve it via going to the gym, or joining a martial arts club, or whatever really - I just want to be slightly healthier.
I have been told in the past that broadly speaking : "what gets measured gets done". If you give the average competent member of staff the two goals :
- Produce five reports this financial year.
- Improve team working in the office.
It is said that almost always you'll get better results from the first goal than the second (for all manner of reasons). People realise if they are being measured they better do it properly.
Which is why people tend to put measurable goals as their resolution. People often say they want to loss x lbs in weight, or increase their lifting strength by y lbs. I originally said I wanted to be able to run 5km and then 10km by some point, but these all miss the point somewhat. I don't actually give a shit if I can or can't run this so long as I feel better. I have been generally unwell (colds, 'flu, sore throat, etc) for the last few months. And I'm pretty sick of it.
Which leads me onto drugs. It's not that I feel there is any inherent problem here, yet it would be dishonest to say that some of my current health issues were not linked to taking E pretty much every week for far too long. Obviously you've also got to factor in little to no exercise, a terrible diet, anthrax vaccines, but I'm sure it's safe to say that drugs have a sizable impact on how I am feeling right now. Well, perhaps right now is a bad example as due to taking a little too much speed on NYE I've not slept in 40 hours. But you get the idea.
So I will regulate my intake of illicit substances (along with my alcohol consumption and general diet) in line with some general attempt to get healthier.
6. Launch a very simple portfolio site
Rather simply I wish to have a site I can direct people to if I wish to give examples of some of the things I have done for work. The only real constraint here is financial : My current web hosting deal went tits up when my bank account headed towards bizarro world and direct debits stopped functioning. I will need to consider alternate options in this regard (e.g. annual payment).
7. Go to the dentists
Seriously, I can barely chew bread at the moment.
8. DON'T FUCKING MOVE
I don't want to live anywhere else. I don't want to go through the hassle of the stuff listed above.
Sadly, a court case for the repossession of our home is being held at Lambeth County Court in early February, so this one might be out of our hands.
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So that's it. Not too ambitious, and I'm hoping I can do better than 16% this time. I have various other projects I'm currently trying to develop but I've no desire to reveal these to the world (yet). Moreover, I am of the opinion that improvement does not occur through big/meta changes in lifestyle. Of course people can through sheer will power revolutionise their life. But what has lasting impact is the little changes one undertakes which become habit (as I've said before).
For instance, I usual capital letters at the beginning of most of my written sentences. I try to use punctuation where appropriate although I'm not too sure about how most of those things work in the first place. These are absolutely tiny things, but they are not universal amongst the denizens of LiveJournal. But the point is that I do not consciously do them - they are simply how I type. To type a sentence and not capitalise the opening letter is actually quite difficult. It is these types of "micro-habits" which make a person effective or ineffective. Or at least, so it seems to me. To that end I am going to attempt to maintain a list of every micro-habit I am trying to develop this year (as they occur to me) and I'll perhaps post it here at some point.
Much Love For 2006,
D
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